the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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