this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
