you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
