if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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