It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
