I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
