After last night, I could never be a politician.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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