I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
