He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
