My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
