Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize