my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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