They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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