he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
