Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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