you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
