so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
