no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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