so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
