was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
