OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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