i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
