I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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