If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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