I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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