You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
