OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize