the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
