Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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