i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
