While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
