I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize