My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
