apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
