Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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