She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
