Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I am one with the molecules
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
