He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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