All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
