Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
