I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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