The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Holy sore nipples Batman
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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