I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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