i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
