so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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