Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
love makes seman taste better
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
