I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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