if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
