somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
