is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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