I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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