Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Randomize
