you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
