My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
