its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
where are you?
Hypothermia
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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