I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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