I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
