My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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