Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
