Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
