I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
