also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
