guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
